what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
