i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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