So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
