Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
