Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
