Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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