There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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