i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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