Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
