I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
