i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
