the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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