The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
