sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
