I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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