im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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