you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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