home. puking in laundry basket.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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