i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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