How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
