i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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