i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
