I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
