My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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