So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
