he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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