Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I need to stop coming to work sober
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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