im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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