the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
