A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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