btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
