my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
