after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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