My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
