Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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