Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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