a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
