see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
