i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
