You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
