he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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