Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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