Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
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