I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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