Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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