Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
