I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
