the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
