I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
