i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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